brings you more clean humor... Military Jokes and Truths

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Worse Punishment?
        An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
        The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
        When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"



Daddy is Going to War - True Story
        During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating.
        We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza."
        Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "Bye, Daddy."

Military etiquette
        Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
        Soldier: Sure, buddy.
        Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?
        Soldier: No, SIR!

Communication Breakdown...
        The reason the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines squabble among themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For example, take a simple phrase like, "Secure the building."
        • The Army will put guards around the place.
        • The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
        • The Air Force will take out a 5-year lease with an option to buy.
        • The Marines will kill everybody inside and make it a command post.

Strangers on a train
        Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her Sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
        As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
        In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
        The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
        The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
        The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
        The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a wonderful world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

Sergeant's philosophy
        The Company Commander and the First Sergeant were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the First Sergeant said, "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
        The CO said, "I see millions of stars."
        1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"
        CO: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"
        1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

Shit: Through the Eyes of the Military
        An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in his hand, having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit."
        An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from a plane and jogged 18 miles, says with a smile, "This is good shit."
        A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions, says with a grin, "This is really great shit."
        A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit."
        An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of shit is this?"

CIA Assassin test
        The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. two men and a woman.
        For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
        The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
        The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
        Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Jeep in the mud
        During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
        "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

Very Important Colonel
        Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when a PFC knocked on the door.
        Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the PFC to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
        Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
        "Nothing important, sir," the PFC replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Alligator Shoes
        An Army Ranger was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However, he was not prepared to pay the high prices. After failing to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, he ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes, man, I'll go and kill my own!"
        The shopkeeper replied, "By all means. Just watch out for the two Marines who are doing the same.
        "So the Ranger went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. "They must be the two Marines," he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The Marine stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow him, the Marine struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already lay. Together the two Marines threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed "Damn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"


Reaction to Snakes
• Civilian: Runs away from the snake screaming.
• Paratrooper: Lands on and kills the snake.
• Armor: runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.
• Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty....Ouch! Hey, that's not a putty tat."
• Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Can't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and the club and some sort of drink called "The Snake."
• Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.
• 2nd Ranger: Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.
• MI: analyzes all available intelligence and national asset input on the reptilian situation; reports sighting of Godzilla to National Command Authority.
• JAG: Advises the snake on the rules of engagement and the law of war as it pertains to the snake and its defensive posture.
• Quartermaster: Captures snake and applies a National Stock Number (NSN) to it. Implements a Found On Installation (FOI) procedure and picks up snake on property book. Has company commander sign hand receipt for "Snake, Green, One Each," as non-expendable unit property.
• Chemical Corps: Starts to gas the little booger, but then realizes that there is an M-18, A-2 Respirator especially made for snakes, remembers the Chemical Corps Motto, "UTRWBAG" (Up Their Rear With Bugs and Gas), and conducts three experiments on it that have been strictly prohibited by the Clinton Treaty of 1999.
• Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety.
• Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with a massive TOT with three FA BDEs in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants (cooks, mechanics, clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
• Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost.
• Pathfinder: Guides the snake elsewhere.
• AF Fighter Pilot: Mis-identifies the snake as a Russian HIND helicopter and engages it with missiles. Crew chief paints a snake on airplane.
• AF Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.
• Green Beret: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes.

GI Insurance
        Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
        It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
        Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
        "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

A Boy Named Sue
        A guy was telling about this girl Sue who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.
        "But, wait a minute," said his friend, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too, won't she?"
        "Sure," replied the guy.
        "Well, won't they find out?"
        The guy shrugged. "Who's gonna tell?"

Why Rednecks Make Good Soldiers
Dear Ma & Pa:
        Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
        I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.
        Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
        We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
        The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.
        This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
        Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.

          Your loving daughter, Gail
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

Time Check
        On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
        The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
        The pilot replied, "What difference does it make?"
        The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
        If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
        If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
        If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
        If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
        If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour".

Fighter Pilots
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
        A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots
        A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
        A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

Shave and a haircut
        A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
        The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
        The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Military Truisms
• "Aim towards the Enemy." [Instruction printed on US rocket launcher]
• When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is no longer our friend. [From a US Field Manual]
• Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
• Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
• Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
• If your attack is going too well, you are walking into an ambush.
• If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
• Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
• No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.
• Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
• If the enemy is in range, so are you.
• Tracers work both ways.
• Friendly fire isn't.
• Five second fuses only last three seconds.
• Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
• The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
• If you can see the enemy, he can see you.
• And never tell your Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

The Prayers of Officers
        One day, three O-6s were hiking together and unexpectedly came upon a wide, raging, biolent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
        The Air Force Colonel called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
POOF!         God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across. It did, however, take him more than an hour and he almost drowned a couple of times.
        Seeing this, the Army Colonel played to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and tools to cross this river."
POOF!         God gave him a rowboat and oars. He was able to row across but it still took almost an hour, it was very rough, and he almost capsized several times.
        The Navy Captain saw how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Pleae God, give me the strength, tools, and the intelligence to cross this river."
POOF!         God turned him into a Marine Lance Corporal. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and walked across the bridge.

Experience Wanted
        Shortly after joing the Army, I was in line with some other inductees when the sergeant stepped forward with that day's assignments. He handed several tasks out and then asked, "Does anyone here have experience with radio communications?"
        A longtime ham radio operator, I shouted, "I do!"
        "Good," he said. "You can dig the hole for the new telephone pole."

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